August 19, 2009

I have been reading a book about memorable cases of mental health professionals. It got me thinking about my own joyous experiences with being less than what society calls normal. I mean, it is not considered normal to take a razor or knife to your forearm when ever I think that I have done something so monumental stupid that I have to be punished. Or I will take the same knife and carve Life Sucks in my arm for no reason at all except it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The prevailing wisdom in psychology today is that present behavior is in direct correlation with your earlier life experiences. If you were told and it was demonstrated by other’s actions that you were a smart, capable person, with a lot to offer the world, you more than likely will grow up to be a well adjusted person who is able to function without any extracurricular whittling on your limps. If, on the other hand, you are continually told that nothing you do is right, and that you are a stupid piece of shit, than you will probably grow up think that you are a stupid piece of shit, though everyone you know keeps telling you that you are one of the smartest people they know.
I hate to work in the yard, work on my house or work on my car. Why because it was a miserable experience whenever I would do this when I was a kid and I now I’ll just fuck it up. Self talk reinforces behavior. I know this but I still have to force myself to do things around the house. Some days I succeed but most days I don’t.

Now, this being said, it does not excuse me from trying. People that insist on blaming the shortcomings on how they were treated as a kid are, in my mind, worthless pieces of shit. It is a continual feedback loop. Your where told you were a piece of shit therefore you are a piece of shit, so you behave as a piece of shit, so daddy was right after all, reinforcing the original premise. But you know intellectually that after 48 years you are more responsible for your actions than anything that may have occurred in the past so when you throw this into the loop you begin to feel even worse about yourself. “You fucking asshole, quit feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life. Blaming daddy for your shortcomings is retarded.” You see how this keeps going.

So logically I know that my thoughts and behavior or self destructive, but I can’t or won’t change the behavior. We tend to stick with what we know. I think I’m a piece of shit there for I am. I will go to bed and tell myself I will accomplish great things tomorrow. But when tomorrow comes I can’t bring myself to get out of bed. Once I do, I won’t get off my dead ass and accomplish anything. I don’t want to leave the house. Every perceived bad thing that’s ever happened to me is happened outside the house. Therefore if I never leave the house nothing bad will happen. Sound logic. It’s bullshit and I know it but it doesn’t make it invalid to me.

Also, It probably isn’t healthy to continually write down that I am a piece of shit. It just keeps the thought firmly in place. It’s like there is a little man inside my head that keeps reminding be of how worthless I am. Like the slave that stood behind Xerxes and kept reminding him to remember the Greeks. There is a little man in my head and like Xerxes slave, he keeps saying, "Remember, you’re a piece of shit." As a matter of fact there are at least four little men that I am aware of. This does not mean that I am seeing and hearing things that don’t exist. It means that I have come up with my own way of dealing with what rattles around in my head. It also doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. But that subject is for another time.
So what do I do about this. Well for one thing I’m writing this. It may be a bit of mental masturbation, but masturbation never hurt anyone. So I will continue. Will I show this to anyone. Probably. I am certain that there is one thing I do well and that is write. I should do it more often, but it interferes with my feed back loop, and we can’t have that, can we?
I have become more aware of how many times a day I tear myself down. It is a lot.
I will walk past a mirror and the first thought that comes to mind is, “God you’re a fat fuck.” Do something wrong and it’s, “You stupid fucking asshole.” One good thing is I have become aware of the behavior. The trick is to figure out how to stop it. Haven’t figured that out yet.
When I catch myself my next thought is, “Shut up asshole.” Again, not the most positive of responses. I was told by someone a lot smarter than me that I need to show the same compassion to me as I show to them. I would never tell someone, “Why yes, you are indeed a worthless piece of shit. Give up, nothing will every change.“ (It should be noted that when I wrote that last sentence I first wrote, “I” are indeed a… makes you go HUMMMM!”)
What is this leading up to. Shit, I don’t know. It just seemed important to get this down. Why do I do the things I do. Why can’t Jeffy stop hating Jeffy. I’ll let you know when I figure out the answer. But in the mean time I will, in the words of Chief Dan George, “Endeavor to preserve.” And in the end that’s all we can hope for really.